Shit!!

I forgot to post this.  I spent about two months self hating self promotion self gratification.  A worthy cause to be sure,  but ultimately one not favoring a long and happy continued existence.  As far as paying for things go.  Though I still strongly suspect that this is not reality.
       What can I do?  I cannot penetrate the illusion.  All those that I encounter do nothing to reinforce the concept that this is really happening.  In fact it's as if the glamour was lazy and doesn't care if I lift the veil on occasion.  It must know that I am a slave, starving for it's seduction. 
     Maybe I need to get out more?  No, the other night was a weird mix of pleasant and nightmarish interactions.  I took all in with a neutral demeanor.  I am used to these expiriences.  I've become jaded to unreality. Perhaps I should escape further.  Maybe I should take a fucking hike.  Spend some time in isolation away from the comfortable, surrounded by new and inconvenient sensations. 
     The natural world seems like it'd be the best cure for me.  Clear my head.  I have such dreams and aspirations, but they torment me.  Then, when sleep comes, and it comes with a cost,  I dream of wild and confusing situations filled with darkness and foreboding. Soon, if this continues, I will be a poor companion for most.  Ha-ha!  Sometimes I think that this is my wish.  I seem to find such little succor from my fellows. 
     Even the most sentimental and well meaning words ring in my skull and sound echoy and repetitive.  The words people say are the same, that fall from my lips, that penetrate my pitiful hearing,  that bounce and dances in the space in front of me.  And these are the good ones, the rest slip like a venomous net between myself and images of dreams holograms of friends and acquaintances. They can't be real, can they? 
     Lazy drama and fat puss filled emotions gushing up and sitting in presentation.  Slapped around, smeared on the body, spit up, held up in a hand as if to feel the heft and displayed for all to see that this has merit.  Fuck! 
     That is why I look to science and reason to shelter me from this painful illusion.  Something that stands alone, honest, sincere, regardless of man. Independent of man. Of the need to be validated.   It can do without us, yet how can we do without it?  If we cannot see that we are lost, how will we ever find our way?  
     Whew!    Major blowout there!  I've been feeling it coming for a few days now. This season always sucks the life out of me and this year is worse than ever. I need to purify badly. But how?  Been thinking about Shinto, religion in general and atheism too.  Alot.  Shinto makes sense, like the people of this continent who  worshipped the land, the Earth, the sky.  Nature.  Shinto has ritual purification by water.  Misogi I think is one of the names.  Temizu another, though that one it sounds to me like just fancy hand washing. May be worth a look into... 
     We are products of the Earth. It grew and nurtured us.  What does that mean? How can we be so arrogant to use up it's resouces so flagrantly?  So much hostility towards the planet.  How do some really believe that some great being,  some God put us here to play a game and to be tested?  And that we will live forever in some other plane of existence if we play nice?  Happy and content, safe.  Win the game, get the prize.   What a bunch of juvenile baloney!!  My kids come up with games like that.  Games that they constantly rewrite the rules of to ensure a positive outcome for themselves.  They can't conceive of any other possibility besides the one the desire.  The very idea upsets them!  What a bunch of punks!!?  Though they are the ones who I cherish the most. And the dog, she's honest. They aren't such big assholes like all of us "grownups"